Abuse or Neglect?

Maybe.

Maybe Not

by Anonymous

When I started caregiving for my father when he was in his late 70s and early 80s, he hated to take baths and refused to do so. He would always say he would do it tomorrow or another day.

If I told him that he was filthy, he would sometimes say, “I’m cleaner than you are,” which was laughable since I have OCD, wash my hands a lot, and almost always wear gloves when doing any type of dirty work.

His clothes became crusty because he would wear the same clothes constantly and refuse to change.

He never washed his hands.

You’re probably thinking why didn’t we force him to take baths, change his clothes, and wash his hands.

Fair enough.

However you must realize that we can’t always force people to bend to our will, especially our parents.

They don’t want to give up control of their lives to their children.

Was I supposed to hold him down and change his clothes?

Should I have beaten him into submission and forced him to take a bath?

The same people who think that we should have forced him to take a bath, change his clothes, and wash his hands are probably the same ones who would quickly blame us for elder abuse if we did so.

As caregivers, we are in a terrible, often unwinnable, situation.

If we force our loved ones to do these things, we might be accused of abuse. On the other hand, if we allow them to remain in these conditions and the legal authorities see them in this condition, they might accuse us of neglect and abuse.

I constantly pressured my father to clean himself and even told him that he could get me in trouble if he didn’t.

He kept refusing or saying he would do it another day.

Finally, one night, I yelled and argued and pushed him to take a bath and change clothes until he finally gave in, took a bath, and changed.

If someone had seen me yelling at him, they would have probably thought I was cruel and disrespectful, maybe even abusive.

The next day, he had a mental health crisis, and I had to call an ambulance to take him to the hospital.

I’m so thankful he took that bath that night and saved both of us from severe embarrassment and me from potential legal trouble.

The timing was unbelievable.

I think it was miraculous.

When you are a caregiver, there will be times when you are not sure what to do because all options have problems.

People may judge you.

It will be hard for you to be criticized.

But they are not in your shoes.

As long as you did the best you could, don’t be too hard on yourself.